Saya dah berkahwin 6 tahun. Dikurniakan anak yang pertama selepas 10bulan perkahwinan kami. Suami saya baik, peramah, solat cukup, penyayang, rajin juga la. Pendek kata tak ada sebab untuk saya pandang lelaki lain. Tapi adat berumah tangga, tetap ada gaduh salah fahamnya. Waktu saya dalam berpantang anak yang pertama, saya terjumpa banyak sangat gambar gambar b0gel suami saya dalam hp dia. Mula mula saya tak faham kenapa perlu ada gambar seperti itu dalam HPnya. Dia ada perempuan lain ke? Itu yang mula bermain dalam fikiran saya. Saya cuba selongkar HP, komputer peribadi suami dan terjumpa banyak lagi bermacam gambar b0gel lelaki lain, video lelaki dengan lelaki yang tengah buat benda tu . Allahhu.. menggigil tangan saya waktu itu.
Inikah lelaki yang selama nie saya patuh dan sanjung sebagai suami. Di sebalik saya, ini diri dia yang sebenar. Saya sendiri cuba buat sedikit research tentang g4y untuk kepastian. Apa yang menyedihkan semua ciri ciri itu ada pada suami saya. Dan beberapa gambar b0gel lelaki lain yang ada dalam simpanannya, memang saya kenali, dan memang rakan paling terhampir dengannya. Bukan saja gambar, kadang ada terjumpa msg yang kotor diantara lelaki dan lelaki. Perbualan yang daring. Apps untuk g4y, yang mana pernah terkantoi dengan saya dia sedang bermsg dng lelaki dalam apps itu.
Pada mulanya saya hanya memendam sorang diri sehingga stress dan emosi terganggu. Sampailah beberapa bulan kemudian, dek kerana tak mampu lagi memendam, saya bertanyakan soalan tentang gambar dan video berkenaan pada suami. Dia yang pada mulanya menidakkan, akhirnya setelah saya berikan bukti bukti yang saya sendiri melihat semua gambar gambar itu, dia mengaku yang dia ada ‘Rasa’ itu. Dia sedang cuba berubah. Sebagai isteri yang baru setahun melayari alam perkahwinan, yang baru dikurniakan anak kecil, saya maafkan dia. Saya terima dia dengan harapan dia akan berubah seperti yang dijanjikan. Tinggalkan semua ‘Rasa’ itu. Buang jauh jauh. Berhenti dari aktiviti yang itu.
Hari demi hari, tahun berganti tahun, kami bahagia. Tapi tidak sentiasa. Pergaduhan kecil, yang kadang besar juga, tetap timbul dek kerana kantoi dengan aktiviti kotornya itu. Tiap tahun akan timbul semula kisah yang sama kerana Allah izinkan saya bertembung dengan semua kegiatan dia dibelakang saya. Naluri seorang isteri sangat kuat, ditambah pula mimpi mimpi yang tak putus datang, yang menunjukan kisahnya dibelakang, saya buntu. Hati kecil ini sentiasa mahu bersangka baik berharap dia sudah berubah. Tapi seringkali yang terjumpa di depan mata, sebaliknya.
Sampai saat ini saya buntu. Kalau masalah ini dengan wanita lain, mudah jalannya, boleh disuruh kawin dan tinggalkan saya. Tapi ini dengan lelaki. Kadang hati ini bertanya, perkahwinan kami ini hanya wayang dan pura pura saja? Adakah perkahwinan ini untuk menutup semua perilaku dia di belakang saya? Beberapa hari lepas terjumpa lagi video dan gambar b0gel dia yang di hantar entah kepada siapa, lelaki mana. Sekarang hati sudah kuat, tidak lagi takut untuk bertanyakan perihal ini. Saya terus ajukan saja kepadanya. Tapi, tetap dengan janji lama, akan berubah, tak akan ulangi.
Untuk pergaduhan yang mungkin kali ke 6 atau 5 ini, pergaduhan atas sebab yang sama, saya lebih tegas, mahu bawa hal ini ke kaunseling, mahu jalan perpisahan walau itu hanya untuk menggertak dia saja supaya benar benar tinggalkan semua itu. Saya sayangkan suami saya. Dia suami yang baik. Nafkah zahir dan batin tidak pernah di abaikan tapi kisah gelap dia di belakang saya? Perlukah saya abaikan dan biarkan saja. Biarkan dia dengan semua aktiviti itu. Dan kami hidup seperti biasa. Mampukah hidup akan tenang bila mana kita tahu kisah yang sebenar, dan bila kita cuba berbaik sangka, tapi sebaliknya yang dihidang. Moga Allah lindungi rumah tangga kita semua dari segala keburukkan dunia dan akhirat. Amin..
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